NUMBING RAW EMOTIONS

Yesterday in late afternoon, that time of day when my energy often plummets, I noticed tension in my belly.  Yes, I was tired, nothing unusual about that, but what was this knot in my stomach about?  The day had been such a good one.  There had been good energy and a joyful flow.   Then I thought back to feedback someone had given me.  It was loving and positive, but I wondered if there was more to her feedback than she shared.  All kinds of thoughts about what people think of me emerged.  Yikes!

As I thought about how much it still matters to me what other people think, the tension in my belly increased.  Suddenly I felt famished!

It started with a spoonful of peanut butter and an apple.  Still hungry, I opened the cupboard and got out some spaghetti noodles.  Soon the big pot was out and water was boiling on the stove. 

The spaghetti was al dente in 9 minutes.  I filled my favorite little yellow bowl with noodles and covered them with a red sauce I had in the refrigerator.  Several tosses of my fork and everything was all mixed together.

I stood in the middle of my kitchen with the bowl in my hand, slurping down hot spaghetti noodles. They were so good!  And the texture so satisfying!

Slurp, gulp.  Slurp, gulp.  The noodles were gone in a matter of minutes, but there were plenty more in the colander.  I decided to have another bowl.

I realized I was eating for comfort, but I could not stop myself.

After the third bowl, the food had done its job of sedating me.  I lay down on my bed and had soon drifted off into sleep.

In the land of milk and honey, food is an ever present temptation for numbing raw emotions.  We can go to it when we are:

• tired
• bored/empty
• agitated/upset/irritated
• fearful

It immediately fills you up and relaxes you, and might even send you off to dreamland if you lie down.  Food works to numb us!  And it's always available!

Argh!

I'm still pondering what can soothe my tiredness, tension, and fear better than 3 bowls of spaghetti.

What do you do when temptation to numb comes? 

Spaghetti and a crisp green salad is one of my favorite meals.  

GETTING THE BASICS DOWN

As an elder I've learned a few things about life.  One of them is the importance of the basics. 

One thing I know for sure, if you don't have the basics down, you're gonna flounder.  The basics are our strong foundation. 

Triune beings are made up of spirit, soul, and body.  All areas of our triune beings must be included in the basics we put in place.  If one area of the triad is neglected,  we're prone to wobble and become unbalanced.  Wobbly, unbalanced people can easily fall.

As for me, I've found it helpful to get up in the morning as early as possible, preferably at first light,
and do the following, pretty much in this order:

• wash my face
• brush my teeth
• get in the shower
• wash my hair
• get dressed and look my best for the day
• massage my feet with fragrant cream
• take out the garbage and recyclables
• sip a cup or two of hot tea with fresh lemon
• sit in silence for at least 30 minutes of morning meditation
• do at least 30 minutes of stretching exercises & Morning Qi Gong routine
• eat a nourishing plant-based breakfast
• be in touch with my sons and others I love
• express my love and appreciation to those I love
• sit in the morning sun for at least 15 minutes
• walk in the neighborhood for at least 30 minutes
• write for at least 30 minutes about whatever is on my heart
• make my bed
• prepare the largest meal of the day for lunch from the freshest plant-based produce I can find
• make my dining table beautiful
• eat my food as an act of worship and really savor each bite with gratitude
• lie down and rest for a while after lunch 

All this takes place by 1-2 p.m.  The rest of the day flows like milk and honey! 

Let me know what you do each day that grounds you.  Have a beautiful day. 

This was my lunch yesterday.  Yes, I prepared it just for me!

THE BLACK FOG LIFTED

I awoke feeling different this morning.  The blanket of depression no longer covered my head, weighing down my whole body.

Something had lifted from me.  I breathed in the lightness as I made my way from my bed to the bathroom.  I splashed water on my face with effortless ease, so different from the usual weight and lethargy of the past few weeks.  I breathed deeply of the cool air around me.  Even the air was lighter!

Anyone who has ever suffered with depression knows how very physical is its manifestation in the body.   It also affects the mind and the emotions.  Everything seems to be colored black and weighed down. 

For weeks now I've grieved multiple losses:  a brother, a neighbor, a full-time job, and a good friend in Nashville who was my age when she died a couple of weeks ago.  So much in my life has changed in a short period of time.  Then the coronavirus pandemic hit, forcing all of us into social isolation and fear of what the future might hold.  Everywhere I go people are gripped in fear and uncertainty.  No hugs are allowed.

Without hugs and alone, is it any wonder the depression settled over me like a black fog?

As the weeks progressed, the depression deepened.  It felt like a blanket had descended over me  The blanket weighed me down and made the air all around me feel stagnant.  It zapped all my energies.  Just putting one foot in front of the other was an effort.  My whole body ached and my joints seemed inflamed.  Even walking was painful.  It felt like I was dragging around a ball and chain.

But this morning the ball and chain is gone.

Do I dare hope that the depression has lifted?  Will not return?

It has held me in its grip for weeks.  When I quit my job, I resumed teaching Qi Gong to my neighbors at Canterbury House in the early morning every day.  What a blessing!  Although it required a great effort, this daily routine was extremely important, as was being with others who are committed to their health.  But last week our executive director curtailed all activities in our building due to the pandemic.  Now there was no reason to get out of bed in the morning.  Besides, everything I did took so much effort and exhausted me.

Needless to say, I did not want to feel this way. I sometimes forced myself to shower and dress, thinking that's all I needed to do in order to feel better.  It didn't work.  All it did was to drain me.  When I walked outside to get fresh air and sunshine, I felt heavy, weighed down, encumbered.  I could hardly wait to get back to my bed so I could lie down and go to sleep.

Depression is very real.  When we are in its grip, we cannot "will" it away.  Neither can we fight it.
We can put up hard resistance to it, but it won't go away.  We can try to ignore it and go about our daily lives in spite of it.  This doesn't impress the depression one bit.  It doesn't budge.  I tried all these ways of coping with depression and found none of them helpful.

The only thing that helped me in that black fog was loving surrender.  Being gentle and loving with myself.  Acknowledgement of what was going on in my body and mind. Acknowledgement of what I needed.  Acknowledgement of the depression and its right to be.  Letting go of all struggle.  Going deeper into love and acceptance of myself.  Surrender.

It also helped to be with friends who would simply listen with love in their eyes.  The fewer words, the better.

Depression is.  It comes and goes.  It is connected to loss and grief.  It has a wisdom of its own and a life of its own.

Today I'm grateful that I have the energy to go to Colonial Lake for a walk and to do a routine of Qi Gong and a sit of meditation.  The pink roses are in bloom and so lifted my spirit with their cheerful beauty.

This posting is dedicated to everyone who has ever suffered depression and knows what it feels like when that black fog lifts, even for a day.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I am grateful for today. 

We are all connected and I send each of you my deepest love.

Pink roses at Colonial Lake in Charleston
March 31, 2020

SHAME, I SERVE YOU NOTICE!

From this day forth, I intend to write from the bones.   This is my doorway to freedom and I'm stepping through it today!

My hope is that this blog will find its readership among others who are committed to integration of body, soul, and spirit.  I'm willing to share my insights and struggles on the way.

I will share with you, my readers, my struggle with shame and low self esteem that has kept the scared, vulnerable part of me barricaded in a dark, secret hole for most of my life with two demons on either side of me, standing watch with angry eyes.  I stepped out of that hole this morning.

It's been a good day, a liberating day!  I released wave after wave of shame that was stored in my body as I stood in the light and allowed love to wash over me.

I allowed Love to hold me in her embrace for a long period of time.  I let go of what I held in that hole and let the Light have it. 

I also faced what has been going on in my life over the past month or so that has shrouded me in depression.   I wrote about it and will share "A Tale of Two Men" with you.

Shame, I serve you notice.  Your grip on me is over!

Greenview Road, Sewanee, TN in winter

A TALE OF TWO MEN

On Valentine's Day 2020 I lost two men I love.

My brother, Joe, only 15 months younger than I, died early that evening.  His daughter, Kelly, notified me about his death although I had not heard from either of them for years.  She said Joe had been in declining health and that his death was a blessed relief.  I felt immeasurably sad for all the years he and I did not communicate after our mother's death.  This was his choice, not mine, fueled by his addiction to drugs.  In response to my question about a funeral, Kelly announced that he would be cremated and his ashes released this spring at his favorite fishing hole at the beach.

The other man did not die, but he is lost to me nonetheless.   

Billy and I had been inseparable for months prior to his leaving Canterbury House. I made breakfast for him before I left for work; he was often waiting for me in the parking lot when I arrived home in the late afternoon. I cooked supper for both of us and listened to him talk about his day.  Because of his dementia, our wise and watchful executive director, Sally, felt he could no longer live alone.  Billy was having more and more difficulty finding his way back to his apartment.  Sally asked his brother, Fred, and nephew, John, to move him out of his apartment by the first of February.  His neurologist confirmed that he needed specialized care and recommended he go into an assisted living facility with a memory care unit.  We all knew this was best for Billy and came together as a team to help him make a hard transition.

Toward the end of January, his brother, Fred, took Billy to a motel room in Mount Pleasant and stayed with him as they waited for a room to open up in assisted living.

Three weeks into their stay at the motel, on Valentine's Day, Billy exploded in anger and physically attacked his brother.  When Nancy, Fred's girlfriend, arrived to take them to lunch, she ended up taking Fred to the ER where he was placed in Intensive Care with bleeding on his brain. The hospital transported Billy by ambulance to a locked ward in a hospital in Hilton Head where he could be evaluated.  Only Fred, his guardian, can to talk to him in the hospital.   

How quickly everything can change!  My heart and body has grieved the loss of both of these men over the past month.

Fairy tales have happy endings.  Real life is often tragic.

Please send Billy warm wishes and prayers that he be placed in an appropriate facility.   Pray that Joe's soul rest in peace.  Pray that I will release each of them in love.

Winter sunset in my backyard, Cowan, TN

Made For Endless Horizons

Life and death are not two, but one.  There is a dying that takes place in each moment as we live in authenticity, a simultaneous letting go and embracing.

OPEN PALMS - as I let go, I receive, a “both/and,” not an “either or.”  Our open palms are the perfect symbol for this paradox.

In the gospel of Mark, it is recorded that, after the resurrection of Jesus,  the angel told the women not to be afraid, but they fled, frightened out of their wits!

Miracles and resurrection are easy to deny and to block.

We still run from and deny resurrection, don’t we?  Our minds are often made up that the dead can’t come back to life, that not even God can breath life back into a lifeless body or a lifeless situation.

Our minds like logic and certainty.  Black and white.  Possible and impossible.

Yet we are made for transcendence and endless horizons!

We are made to appreciate the beauty of the swirling clouds and to burst into tears at the colors of the sunrise when we awaken.

We are made by Love, for Love.  We are made by Beauty, for Beauty.  We are made by Truth, for Truth.

We are made to live in this moment where time does not exist, in resurrection power, where miracles are commonplace!

Folly Beach, SC 

What is a Community Pastor?

A few days ago my beloved pastor proclaimed someone, “Community Pastor.”  I’d never heard this term before.  It was both intriguing and, quite frankly, a little puzzling.

What exactly is a community pastor?

As I write this, I trust the wisdom within me as a guide to open up whatever God wants to reveal about this call and how it manifests itself.

Wisdom reveals that call is broader than a local congregation.  How much broader depends on a number of factors.  Surely the call of a community pastor is interdenominational and perhaps even interfaith.  Cool!  That means religious affiliation would mean little to a community pastor.  She would be as comfortable with an Assemblies of God pastor as she is with an Episcopal priest.  She would be at home worshipping in any type of church, from Baptist to Church of God.  She would also be comfortable with Jewish, as well as Muslim believers and find common ground with each of them.

To this kind of love, my heart opens with a great big, "YES!"

A community pastor could gather people for prayer across denominational lines.  How cool is that?

What specific ministry might a community pastor do?

Understanding the power of interdenominational prayer, she organizes regular prayer gatherings for all believers.  She prays for the people in her community, all pastors, all churches, all people of faith, and all who are hurting.  She cares deeply for the homeless and poor in her community.  She also cares about the land itself and all the animals who live on it.  They are all daily in her prayers.

A community pastor provides the opportunity weekly for interdenominational believers to come together to pray.  She has experienced firsthand the miracles that flow from these times of prayer so she is intentional about holding this space even when others don't show up to pray with her.

When storms are approaching, a community pastor goes into action, praying for the protection of the entire area:  the land, buildings, trees, shrubs, animals, and people.  She cares deeply about the health and well being of the entire community.

What ministry of presence might God anoint a community pastor?

During the stressful period between Thanksgiving and Christmas, God sends her out on a “smile ministry.”   Calm and prayerful she ventures forth empowered by the Holy Spirit to comfort troubled souls.  Everywhere she goes she looks each person in the eye, nods, and smiles.  She experiences firsthand how the simplicity of a look and smile ministers deeply to people.  When people want to talk, she takes the time to listen.  She understands that people will sometimes empty out all their troubles on a compassionate stranger.  It is cathartic and healing.  She listens without judgement.

A community pastor has a vibrant neighborhood ministry.  She loves her neighbors as herself.  She regularly checks in with her neighbors to find out how they are doing.  She organizes regular neighborhood prayer gatherings so her neighbors can come together to share their burdens and to pray for each other.  She herself prays for the sick with the laying on of hands.  She takes food and gifts to her neighbors as a way to bring encouragement and comfort.

In every word she utters in her neighborhood and in her community, she points the way to the One who created us all and who loves us with an abiding, unconditional love.  All her conversations are centered in her love of and deep trust in God.  Every conversation points the way to Him.

This is work I’ve been doing for many years, but without specific intent or purpose. This seems to be the time God wants to deepen the call in me.  I can’t wait to see how this ministry unfolds in the years ahead!

Thanks to all who read these words and know that God calls each of us to work that can only be done by yielding to the Holy Spirit and that our work is deepened over time and accomplishes more than we can dream or imagine.  This is God at work through yielded vessels bringing light to darkness.  None of us deserve the blessed privilege of carrying God's light.  It is shocking and wonderful and bigger than we are!