Something had lifted from me. I breathed in the lightness as I made my way from my bed to the bathroom. I splashed water on my face with effortless ease, so different from the usual weight and lethargy of the past few weeks. I breathed deeply of the cool air around me. Even the air was lighter!
Anyone who has ever suffered with depression knows how very physical is its manifestation in the body. It also affects the mind and the emotions. Everything seems to be colored black and weighed down.
For weeks now I've grieved multiple losses: a brother, a neighbor, a full-time job, and a good friend in Nashville who was my age when she died a couple of weeks ago. So much in my life has changed in a short period of time. Then the coronavirus pandemic hit, forcing all of us into social isolation and fear of what the future might hold. Everywhere I go people are gripped in fear and uncertainty. No hugs are allowed.
Without hugs and alone, is it any wonder the depression settled over me like a black fog?
As the weeks progressed, the depression deepened. It felt like a blanket had descended over me The blanket weighed me down and made the air all around me feel stagnant. It zapped all my energies. Just putting one foot in front of the other was an effort. My whole body ached and my joints seemed inflamed. Even walking was painful. It felt like I was dragging around a ball and chain.
But this morning the ball and chain is gone.
Do I dare hope that the depression has lifted? Will not return?
It has held me in its grip for weeks. When I quit my job, I resumed teaching Qi Gong to my neighbors at Canterbury House in the early morning every day. What a blessing! Although it required a great effort, this daily routine was extremely important, as was being with others who are committed to their health. But last week our executive director curtailed all activities in our building due to the pandemic. Now there was no reason to get out of bed in the morning. Besides, everything I did took so much effort and exhausted me.
Needless to say, I did not want to feel this way. I sometimes forced myself to shower and dress, thinking that's all I needed to do in order to feel better. It didn't work. All it did was to drain me. When I walked outside to get fresh air and sunshine, I felt heavy, weighed down, encumbered. I could hardly wait to get back to my bed so I could lie down and go to sleep.
Depression is very real. When we are in its grip, we cannot "will" it away. Neither can we fight it.
We can put up hard resistance to it, but it won't go away. We can try to ignore it and go about our daily lives in spite of it. This doesn't impress the depression one bit. It doesn't budge. I tried all these ways of coping with depression and found none of them helpful.
The only thing that helped me in that black fog was loving surrender. Being gentle and loving with myself. Acknowledgement of what was going on in my body and mind. Acknowledgement of what I needed. Acknowledgement of the depression and its right to be. Letting go of all struggle. Going deeper into love and acceptance of myself. Surrender.
It also helped to be with friends who would simply listen with love in their eyes. The fewer words, the better.
Depression is. It comes and goes. It is connected to loss and grief. It has a wisdom of its own and a life of its own.
Today I'm grateful that I have the energy to go to Colonial Lake for a walk and to do a routine of Qi Gong and a sit of meditation. The pink roses are in bloom and so lifted my spirit with their cheerful beauty.
This posting is dedicated to everyone who has ever suffered depression and knows what it feels like when that black fog lifts, even for a day. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I am grateful for today.
We are all connected and I send each of you my deepest love.
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| Pink roses at Colonial Lake in Charleston March 31, 2020 |
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