FEELINGS MATTER

 

A Two-Way Street That Starts At My House

We humans have been given a most precious gift, our emotions, with a range from jubilation to desolation.  Yet, most of us do not fully honor this gift, either in ourselves or others.  

Emotional honesty is a worthy goal   Am I emotionally honest with myself?  With others?  

When someone comes to me, distraught and full of emotion, do I enable that person to fully express how they feel and allow for the full expression of their anger, fear, dismay, sadness?  Can I simply sit and be present to the person as they express their emotions?  Can I listen without any judgement?  

Isn't this what we all want when we are upset?  I know it's what I want!  

Furthermore, can I allow myself to express the full range of my emotions?  Can I sit with myself and simply feel what I'm truly feeling?  Can I be present to myself when I'm angry or sad and allow those emotions to flow?

Being totally honest,  this is hard for me.  I realize I don't honor my own emotions in this way.  Instead, I want to solve the problem. I tend to discount my emotions and get in my head to figure out what needs to be done.  More often than not, I bypass my emotions and cut to the chase, "What do I need to do now?"  

If I don't honor my own emotions, will I honor yours? Chances are pretty high I won't.  In all probability, discounting my own emotions means I'll discount yours as well.   I've come to learn that the way I treat myself is basically the way I treat others, too.  

I remember Jesus words when asked about the greatest commandment, "Love the Lord God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength.  And love your neighbor as yourself."  

Loving self and neighbor was all brought home to me yesterday in an interaction with a neighbor who I invited to meet with me for 30 minutes.  When she told me a time she could meet in mid-afternoon, I planned my day around our meeting.  Although we had never met, I had heard nice things about her.  I was excited to meet her and for the opportunity to get to know her better.  

When she cancelled our meeting at the last minute for what I considered a flimsy reason (someone unexpectedly stopped by to see her), I was hurt by her behavior.   I felt discounted and disrespected.  

However,  I didn't express my feelings to her.  I stewed in them for a while, but because that felt so miserable, I switched from my feelings to my head.  The head is logical, I postulated, and will help me cross over into the next step.   "How am i going to move forward in spite of her rudeness?"  

"Well, that's obvious," I thought.

"I'll simply write her off and go my merry way!  She is not someone I want to get to know after all"  That was the end of that.  Or was it?  

I felt uneasy.  My hurt feelings still gurgled in the background.  I ignored them.  "Go away! I don't want to feel you.  You make me feel bad."    I wanted to stay in my head where logic reigns, where it's much more neat and tidy.  

"Just move forward," my thoughts implored while my heart churned with hurt.  As I drifted off to sleep, I was caught in the middle.  

This morning I realized how unloving it was to me to discount my feelings.

What would it look like to honor my feelings in this instance?  

First of all, I had to acknowledge that my feelings were neither right, nor wrong.  They simply are.  I felt discounted and disrespected as a person and as a neighbor.  I needed to sit with myself in that place of hurt and lack of validation.  When I did that, I began to cry.  

It hurt to be treated with a lack of respect and validation.  My feelings matter.  I matter.  The hurt spilled out of my eyes through a stream of tears.  

By honoring my feelings, by acknowledging their right to be, I felt a lot better.  I realized my feelings were valid just because I felt them and that I could honor myself no matter how she chose to treat me.  

That was empowering and healing!  

For me, just for me, I needed to tell her how I felt.  It didn't matter how she responded.  I simply needed her to know that I felt disrespected and discounted when she cancelled our meeting at the last minute just because someone stopped by to see  her.  

Now this is new behavior for me!  I am not used to either acknowledging my feelings as valid or expressing my feelings to others as valid.  But I was determined to treat myself with respect and love, and to step out of my comfort zone.

When I told her how I felt, it opened up communication between us.  Secondly, it extended an opportunity to her to respond.  She responded with an apology and an explanation.  

I felt heard and my feelings were validated.  We had a lovely communication.   The air was clear.

This response was loving toward myself and loving toward her and fostered communication and relationship.  She and I know each other better now.  The stage is set for an emotionally honest relationship.  

I share this story with you because I know I'm not the only one who struggles with emotional honesty.  

I've made a commitment to honor my own feelings so I can be available to others when they express their feelings to me.  It's a two-way street that starts at my house.